I feel old. Fat. Disabled. And well past my expiration date.
This is Easter Sunday and the Lenten Darkness is supposed to have dissipated, but for me it hasn't. I remain pulled into my world and myself. I am stuck at home because my wife has covid and I did not get the booster; quarantining from work until Thursday at the order of HR. At the busiest week of the quarter. I have to spend tomorrow
morning trying to get IT on the phone for the VPN hookup. Good luck with that,
My partner continues to convalesce from her heart surgery. I can barely move from here to there without exhaustion. My body hurts head to toe. Eating myself to death. How I am staying sober is beyond me, though I have been going to meetings at every opportunity. I feel depressed, isolated, with the sinking suspicion that this is how I am supposed to be feeling. Existing instead of living. Stuck with no desire or way to move beyond it.
I missed Holy Thursday and Good Friday services; one because of work, the other because of technical difficulties with the remote hookup. I zoomed the Easter Vigil and it was impossible to hear the homily.
I really don't feel like an Easter person, how a priest is "should" be feeling. It feels like I am stuck waster deep in swamp mud. And I don't like it much at all,
