Big "E" Evil

That's what I want to fight. And that is eventually what will consume me, I guess. Because I have looked into the abyss and the abyss is me. I have made a friend of the Devil as the Grateful Dead song goes. I want lofty battles for the soul of the world. It's all ego I know... but God help me it is what I want!!!!! To be an agent in the House of Evil, to gain Its trust. And then to slay it. 

Will I drown as the Evil washes over me? 

Will my weak soul be mocked and annihilated as it gets exposed by Evil?

We see in all the movies what happens to the priest like me. Maybe this kind of self destruction/self-sacrifice is what I crave. Maybe it is all the price I pay for being an imposter priest. Maybe I have been tricked and am already an emissary of Evil - leading others to think I am a Man of God when my base emotion and darker night of the soul rules me.

I embrace my ruin. My redemption.

NOW what???

 So now I have all the pieces in place for the life I SAID I wanted; I quit my toxic banking job, we are getting by financially, and I have 2 ministries ripe for the taking and the opportunity to go back to school.

I left my job 2 months ago and here I sit. Terrified of the next step. Or is it laziness? Or is it both terror AND laziness. 

Everyone has been extremely patient and loving with me as I navigate post 9-5 life. 

I worry that I am "hiding out" in my spirituality rather than practicing it. SO much to do, but not a dink of an idea how do go about it. Lead me Lord.

Long Summer

 The summer has revolved around mom's health and care. I am embracing my ministry more fully. Not all is right with the world of course, but the world is never ALL right. It is how we respond to the world that dictates whether or not we ourselves are doing ok. I like the quote attributed to President Abraham Lincoln:

"Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." 

There is a lot of power... and personal responsibility to be found in those words. If my personal happiness and peace are, in the end, up to me, I need to be mindful of those days where I feel broken and unhappy. Not that I shouldn't feel those things - circumstances always have a hand in how we are feeling. And there are oh so many reasons for sorrow and anger, and it is even worse with a chemical imbalance like depression. I am not talking about that; I mean when I wallow in them instead of letting them go int heir own good time. At that point, I have made a conscious decision to deny myself happiness and peace.

And I don't have to do that anymore.

Daily Mass readings
Judges 6:11-24a
Psalm 96:1-2a, 2b-3, 4-5
Matthew 19:23-30
Memorial of The Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Easy to be Holy... when it's easy

My mom has been in the hospital since before Memorial Day with kidney failure. Along with mobility problems, and operation challenges, this leaves my sister and our families wondering what comes next. As far as how Mom will be cared for once the emergent medical issues and rehab are completed.

I haven't been consciously praying to be honest. As a Christian and a priest, this has been upsetting to me; I try to keep a daily prayer regimen and when things are "easy" it's usually pretty easy. When I look at what's been on my plate the last 2 months I think "Well I certainly can't blame myself!" I think it's a matter of acceptance that this is how things are; people get old and suck and will eventually die. That's all well and good when you're discussing the Buddha's discovery of suffering and samsara. It's a different matter entirely when you're talking about a beloved parent.

I'm feeling this all for the first time even though my father passed several year ago, complete with long hospital stays and living in a nursing home. I was high, in active addiction back then. I never visited him more than once every 2 months or so and no one really expected anything of me. Least of all me. Now I've been seeing my mother at least 4-5 times a week since she's been in hospital. Even though there is absolutely nothing that I can really do. Other than be present and hold her hand. 

Other than be in the room with her so that for an hour or 2 she's not alone.

And maybe that's my prayer that I think I haven't been praying. God bring mom, and all of us, peace as we transition to this new way of being.

DAILY MASS READINGS
Genesis 21:5, 8-20a
Psalm 34:7-8, 10-11, 12-13
Matthew 8:28-34

The depths of hell?

We bring down so-called condemnation upon ourselves. WE separate ourselves from Love – I do it all the time when I isolate and fall close to despair. THAT is hell - deliberately cutting ourselves off from avenues of Love. Hell is the absence of Love. Not because we hate God, not because of so-called sinful actions for which we do not receive Sacramental confession with the proper formulae. But because we do not believe we deserve Love. It is our own inner feelings of guilt and shame – exaggerated and blown all out of proportion in our minds, pounded into us from so many arenas - that cuts us off from God, the Eternal Lover. THAT is the “free will” that’s always talked about. And it is formidable. We do not grow horns and maniacally laugh with a pitchfork when we are in this hell, we do not/cannot get “tricked” into hell by some imp named Screwtape. We push Love away ourselves when in this hell, because Love is so very beautiful and we can sometimes become convinced that we are so very ugly. We become convinced of this sometimes by the very religious institutions that should be trumpeting God’s love rather than God’s condemnation. We refuse strenuously yet somehow longingly – because what does Love want with someone like us??  We are beloved children of God, before ANYTHING – who could be worthier of joining with the very source of Love??

As a Christian priest and sometimes-sufferer of this Hell, I cannot believe nor will I ever teach that an All-Loving God puts us in this state as punishment nor that this state is eternal. We all deserve Love. Even the people we hate deserve Love. Because our first role is Beloved of God. Hell is our own banishment of Love.

THE SANCTIFYING LOVE OF GOD WILL WAIT FOR US, however long it takes.

Daily Mass Readings 

Acts 16:22-34

Psalm 138:1-2ab, 2cde-3, 7c-8

John 16:5-11

Disability, spiritual cottages & Home

 

We went to the Long Island Beltaine festival on Saturday and I celebrated Mass that evening – it was really a good day. The following day, I was hurting and I let the idea of being disabled and the Sunday Blues get to me. I wound up rising earlier than usual yesterday (thanks to a cranky dog), but I made use of the time. Took my time showering, dressing, and praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet with the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal.

But the big deal, the big hump was Saturday the day of the festival; on the weekends, I cling to the idea that I can ONLY do one thing a day, and my body kind of shuts down after that. My spine, muscles, not to mention my depression, demand it. The fact that we went to Beltaine AND I celebrated Mass is huge. They BOTH went well and that is what I need to build on.

Also, it’s time to stop with being ultra distracted by other intriguing faiths. I love Buddhism and the various Pagan faiths like Wicca and Druidry; I have cultivated these beautiful and welcoming spiritual cottages everywhere.

But my forever Home is the Christian Church. 

Not the one that calls me an enemy of God. No more. I'm referring to the fellowship in that Jesus – my brother, my friend, my God – loves me, is patient with me, and will always be there for me.  Where we lift each other up instead of cut people down in guilt and shame.

THAT is the Christian Church. THAT is my Church.

Daily Mass Readings

Acts 14:19-28

Psalm 145:10-11, 12-13ab, 21

John 14:27-31a

🙏🙏🙏

Nothing much to say but this... the day is beautiful and it is such a privilege to be of service as the priest of a loving God.

Daily Mass Readings 

Acts 14:5-18

Psalm 115:1-4,15-16

John 14:21-26