What does it mean...

... when your personal spiritual makeup goes against where you WANT it to go?

I have wanted to be a Witch, for so many decades now.  How many times have bought the books, made the contacts, lit the candles... only to miss my Christ terribly and embrace Him once again?  I am a self-procalimed and proud left wing pinko!  And I can't get around the idea of the seamless garment of life, from "womb to tomb"; hardly an upstanding trait of a self procalimed feminist and advocate of a woman's right to choose.

Maybe these ideas SHOULDN'T be easy, maybe they are meant to be struggled with.  But it's hurting my heard today.

Daily Mass Readings
Acts 5:27-33
Psalms 34:2 and 9, 17-18, 19-20
John 3:31-36

Entering the Triduum...

It has not felt like Lent at all this year.  Only getting to "zoom" Masses, while uplifting, is simply not the same as being in the face to face presence of your community.  But it is what it is.

Tonight the altar will be laid bare.  The sanctuary will be emptied.  The Agony will be felt as Jesus, terrified, falls to his knees to beg his Abba if here was any other way, any other way at all.

As when he grieved his friend, this instance lays bare Jesus as a man; he is frightened and doesn't want to die; he wants OUT of this!  Who wouldn't?  And all his friends with their lofty aspirations of going to die for him and with him, drunk and already sleeping.  Knowing they would scatter when the first sogn of trouble arrived.

Alone.

Frightened.

About to be abandoned.

About to be mocked tortured and executed in a most exquisitely horrible fashion.

I know most everybody has heard Jesus Christ Superstar by Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice.  The depiction of Jesus's pleading with God in Gethsemane brought me so much closer to understanding his Passion and his humanity than any writ of Holy Scripture or homily ever has.  And I mean, Ian Gillan for crying out loud...

Jesus Christ Superstar - GETHSEMANE (I ONLY WANT TO SAY...)

I only want to say, if there is a way...
Take this cup away from me, 'cause I don't want to taste its poison.
Feel it burn me!  I have changed, I'm not as sure as when we started.
Then, I was inspired.  Now I'm sad and tired.
Listen, surely I've exceeded expectations!
Tried for three years seems like thirty.
Could You ask as much from any other man?

But if I die,
See the saga through and do the things You ask of me,
Let them hate me hit me hurt me, nail me to their tree.
I'd wanna know, I'd wanna know, my God!
I'd wanna know, I'd wanna know, my God!
I'd wanna see, I'd wanna see, my God!
I'd wanna see, I'd wanna see, my God!

Why I should die!

Would I be more noticed than I ever was before?
Would the things I've said and done matter anymore?
I'd have to know, I'd have to know, my Lord!
I'd have to know, I'd have to know, my Lord!
I'd have to see, I'd have to see, my Lord!
If I die, what will be my reward?
If I die, what will be my reward?
Have to know, have to know, my Lord!
Have to know, have to know, my Lord!

WHY SHOULD I DIE???

Can You show me now that I would not be killed in vain?
Show me just a little of Your omnipresent brain?
Show me there's a reason for Your wanting me to die.
You're far too keen on when and how, and not so hot on why!

ALRIGHT!!! I'LL DIE!!!!!
JUST WATCH ME DIE!!!
SEE HOW I DIE???

Then...I was inspired.  Now... I'm sad and tired.
After all, I've tried for three years.  Seems like ninety.
Why then am I scared to finish what I started?
What YOU started.  I didn't start it!
God, Thy will is hard.  But you hold every card!
I will drink Your cup of poison!
Nail me to Your cross, and break me!
Bleed me!  Beat me!

Kill me.

Take me now.  

Before I change my mind.


Daily Mass Reading
Holy Thursday - Mass of the Lord's Supper

Exodus 12:1-8, 11-14 Psalm 116:12-13, 15-16bc, 17-18 1 Corinthians 11:23-26 John 13:1-15