Big "E" Evil

That's what I want to fight. And that is eventually what will consume me, I guess. Because I have looked into the abyss and the abyss is me. I have made a friend of the Devil as the Grateful Dead song goes. I want lofty battles for the soul of the world. It's all ego I know... but God help me it is what I want!!!!! To be an agent in the House of Evil, to gain Its trust. And then to slay it. 

Will I drown as the Evil washes over me? 

Will my weak soul be mocked and annihilated as it gets exposed by Evil?

We see in all the movies what happens to the priest like me. Maybe this kind of self destruction/self-sacrifice is what I crave. Maybe it is all the price I pay for being an imposter priest. Maybe I have been tricked and am already an emissary of Evil - leading others to think I am a Man of God when my base emotion and darker night of the soul rules me.

I embrace my ruin. My redemption.

NOW what???

 So now I have all the pieces in place for the life I SAID I wanted; I quit my toxic banking job, we are getting by financially, and I have 2 ministries ripe for the taking and the opportunity to go back to school.

I left my job 2 months ago and here I sit. Terrified of the next step. Or is it laziness? Or is it both terror AND laziness. 

Everyone has been extremely patient and loving with me as I navigate post 9-5 life. 

I worry that I am "hiding out" in my spirituality rather than practicing it. SO much to do, but not a dink of an idea how do go about it. Lead me Lord.