I am starting to think I am nothing more than an intricate LARPer.
And even with that, I merely scratch the surface. I am drawn by the trappings of ALL these things – from the Church to Buddhism, from Green to Libertarian, from Knight of Columbus to Secular Franciscan to Interfaith Minister to Priest to Author, to AA member, ad nauseum. The sounds, the sights, the smells, the WANTING so bad for things to be real and have meaning. And then….never being able to delve below the surface long enough to MAKE it real. Buying T-shirts and books, and books on writing and clerical shirts and stoles and statues and memberships. And the lacking the motivation to follow any of it through. I am a bullshit artist who DESPERATELY needs to believe in his own bullshit.
And I don’t; not really.
Magic and miracles and true spirituality may very well be real. I have finally admitted to myself no discipline to pursue it. My spirituality and lifestyle is a mixture of so many different ideas and lifestyles that it is simply an unrecognizable gray slop. “Don’t label yourself” I have heard constantly in my life and it is also advice I have given. The thing is, I NEED labels. I don’t know how to BE without labels. Being schooled in interspirituality has actual broken that down somewhat. I am on more unstable ground than when I began seminary.
Looking at my last entry and today's... I am feeling pretty unmoored.
Memorial of St. Clare
Daily Mass Readings
Ezechiel 2:8—3:4
Psalm 119:14, 24, 72, 103, 111, 131
Matthew 18:1-5, 10, 12-14
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