Face to Face

It seems somewhat fitting that today is the feast day of St. Maximillian Kolbe, one of the patron saints of alcoholics & addicts. 

Spent another morning at mom's with my sister. Clearing stuff out. TRYING not to focus on the memories attached to the things we were throwing away, from the brand of cat food mom used to buy, to decades-old Aquanet cans. I was glad my sister was there; it is emotionally wrenching.

Getting home and trying to get our old doggo Sasha to eat and do her business was a challenge. She has hip & elbow dysplasia that has gotten worse progressively this week especially, on top of her Cushing's Disease. She can barely walk & doesn't take kindly to being helped or carried, snapping at me for the first time in her all 13 years. On top of the mental exhaustion from being at Mom's and having my family away for the weekend, I was not in great headspace. I meditated & prayed for an hour or so - that always seemed to help. But I was feeling alone. Overwhelmed. A little sorry for myself. And all of that together is a potential time bomb for an alcoholic.

I figured I'd hit one of my AA zoom meetings. Then I immediately thought better of it. Why? They simply were not helping like they used to. Though the remote meetings had been lifesavers during the pandemic, they FEEL remote. Little connection. And far too easy to leave if the meeting wasn't living up to what I thought it should. One click and I am back on Facebook scrolling away. I decided then and there that I was actually going to an old fashioned face-to-face. 

It was not like I remembered AA being like. And it had something to do with the way I approached it. 

I have always considered my alcoholism & addiction MY problem, to deal with on my own. Even when I was going to regular face to face meetings, I would keep to myself and be very careful to avoid anything that might seem like I needed help or wanted any kind of connection with anyone. How I have stayed sober to this point in time is anyone's guess.

I get the whole "it's a we program" now. At the meeting, I shared. When I shared I said I hadn't been to live meetings in a long while, and I needed phone numbers. The speaker offered his right after I shared and my the end of the meeting I had 20+ names of the guys in the group. I spent some time talking with the speaker & he goes to a daily meeting right around the block. Most of the guys introduced themselves so I could have a face to go with the number. I felt cared far. Part of.

We.

WE.

Saint Maximillian Kolbe, PRAY FOR US! 

Memorial of Saint Maximilian Kolbe, Priest and Martyr
Daily Mass Readings
Joshua 3:7-10a, 11, 13-17
Psalm 114:1-2, 3-4, 5-6
Matthew 18:21–19:1