Spouse of Christ & the Holy Spirit

Ok I need to examine this about myself. 

I seem to have some sort of obsession with habited nuns. No it’s not a fetish or anything; it’s more of a fascination. When I see who they are and what their life is, I WANT that life. They are mystically wed to Jesus Christ. He is their husband and spouse. That kind of love that keeps them enraptured in front of the Blessed Sacrament. the Sisters of Life, the Discalced Carmelite nuns move me so deeply, I listened to a podcast after dropping off James last Friday, and I didn’t want the drive to end because I was enthralled with “Bride of Christ”. Now as a priest, the Church is technically my “bride”. But is it really the same? I believe the Holy Spirit as feminine…is SHE my bride? This mystical marriage thing fascinates me.

Ending Sabbatical

I have been on formal sabbatical from my priesthood since September of last year. And it is finally time to come home.

I felt so much stress from so many areas; work, my mom’s health, my familial relationships, the continuing pandemic, dropping out of chaplaincy courses, my own personal feelings of unworthiness toward my ministerial vocation. One day where I was feeling particularly desperate (a very poor state in which to be making major decisions), I simply texted my bishop, told him my troubles, and asked for sabbatical status. I think it took him by surprise, but honoring my decision, he gave the go-ahead. My family was as surprised as the church.

I entered a time of relative isolation, made easier by the pandemic to be sure and punctuated by my time quarantining with Covid.

I spoke to God.

I spoke to my ancestors.

I cried – a lot.

Finally, mindlessly scrolling through Twitter (ugh I wish I could remember the account) I saw a quote that made me sit up in bed and take notice. I had seen other quotes – hell, hundreds – like it. But this tweet and this particular time snapped me out of my slumber:

“One does not need to be worthy. One only needs to be willing.”

OK. That is something I could build on.

Whether I am a priest or a minister or whatever I am calling myself this week, I can be willing to go where I am led. I know God’s voice in contrast to my own. My feelings of vocational unworthiness can be ignored if I trust in where I am being led and by whom. And I do.

Calling up my bishop and telling him my good news was a bit humbling as well; he directed me to contact each of our church’s clergy and discuss my sabbatical and my experiences with them. While I was wondering why, he read my mind and said, “We are church, Tom. We are community. We get through our joys and trials together. Depend on us, just as we will depend on you.”

Community. Church. Together.

I am in the midst of said calls, and my fellow clergy have been nothing but loving, supportive and welcoming. So much so that I am forced to wonder if wrestling with my angels alone during sabbatical would have even been necessary had I bothered to ”tag” one of our community into the Battle Royale of religious life!

I love the Latin Mass ... and it needs to go

I love the Latin Mass. And it’s better for the Roman Catholic Church that it goes away.

Coming from a non-Roman Catholic priest, this opinion does not really carry much weight, I get that. But after reading through Pope Francis’s Traditionis Custodes which limits the celebration of the Tridentine Mass in the Roman church and his reasoning for it, I thought I would share a few thoughts anyway.

As the blog title suggests, I LOVE the Latin Mass. I have only attended one in my life, but it simply knocked me down with the beauty and reverence. The profound recognition of what was being celebrated and why. The Latin, while I did not understand it, added a mystical quality to the celebration that one seldom finds during Mass in the vernacular. Receiving Communion on the tongue whilst kneeling at the altar rail, a paten under my chin “lest He strike His foot against a stone”, was nothing short of moving.

With all of that said; somehow, some way, the major advocates of the Latin Mass are some of the cruelest, most exclusionary people I have ever had the misfortune to meet, read, and listen to. When Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI liberalized the use of the Latin Mass in Ecclesia Dei and Summorum Pontificum respectively, the idea was to bring the Body of Christ closer together by “giving the people what they want”. Those preferring the vernacular would continue to do so, and those attached to the Latin Mass would have the opportunity to celebrate Mass in their preferred fashion as well.

That’s not what happened unfortunately. The Latin Mass advocates have sneered at the vast majority of the Church celebratingMass in the vernacular/Ordinary form as being nothing more than Protestant. Ironically they protest louder and louder about the invalidity of the Second Vatican Council, emboldened by their newfound freedom. They, lay and clergy alike, wall themselves off in rapidly multiplying Latin Mass societies and began/continued celebrating the old rite exclusively rather than in tandem with the Ordinary Form. Many who had been critical of the Vatican in the past are now louder and openly hostile to it, especially after the less liturgically/more pastorally minded Francis was elected Pope. The traditionalists find more common ground with schismatic groups like The Society of St. Pius X than with the Vatican. 

It simply had the opposite of the intended effect. Instead of closing the gaps, they have widened into chasms.

The backlash from Traditionis Custodes has been harsh from those you’d expect (Cardinal Raymond Burke, Church Militant, Una Voce, etc.). The true fallout remains to be seen.

I will be sad to see the Latin Mass fade away; it is indeed beautiful liturgy. But beauty is not a good enough reason to sustain it. The Church is fractured enough without the Vatican giving further ammunition to those who prefer to isolate and treat others with arrogance and contempt. Instead of embracing others with love.

What are my truths?

 It is about time I cleared several things up about myself, and as a reminder to myself. Here are 10 truths:

1-      My name is Thomas. I am Beloved of God, before all else.

2-      I am a Father of 2 grown men, whom I love dearly and I believed that love is reciprocated. They have taught me more about being a man than I could ever have imagined.

3-      I am a Husband to 2 beautiful women who are the air in my lungs and the beat of my heart. I would gladly give my life for either.

4-      I am a Christian Priest. I serve an Independent Catholic Community and I strive to serve my God as such.

5-      I am an ordained interfaith minister, finding the Divine in all people and all things.

6-      I love to walk with people in their spiritual journeys; it is an absolute joy and thrill for me!

7-      I am an alcoholic and addict in recovery. I cannot use mind altering substances (beyond caffeine) in a safe manner.

8-      I have suffered with MDD (major depressive disorder) and other mental issues for most of my life; each day is a challenge.

9-      I identify as part of the fabled Alphabet Mafia; I fall under “Q” for “Queer/Questioning”.

10-   I struggle with the same apparent contradictions that you see as you read this list.

I’m not sure but I do not believe I have ever put ALL of these things together in one writing. But anyhoo; these are all major facets of who I am. Thank you for coming to my TOM Talk ;)

 

Enemy of God

“Make no mistake: your sins make you an enemy of God.”

I read this blurb in a Catholic book of devotions dedicated to overcoming “sins of impurity”; pornography, chronic masturbation, etc.  It is set up in the spirit of 12-step self-help. After beautiful language about the all-forgiving nature of God and the help Mother Mary can give in this struggle, this sentence jumps off the page.

Let’s be clear; obsessive porn use and masturbation that interferes with actual relationships, employment, and responsibilities IS indeed a problem that needs to be worked through. Hell, you could even call it a sin if that language works for you.

Enemy of God…

The devotionals go on to blame it all on Satan, the terrible guilt we all must feel when we “fall” and the necessity of “being right with God” lest we die in a state of mortal sin.  The all-loving, all-forgiving God apparently has no issue letting His children suffer for all eternity if they do not feel enough sufficient sorrow and apologize in JUST the proper manner and formula (via sacramental confession). Does this sound all loving or all forgiving? This sounds trite, petty, and cruel. At least to me. And it is not any God or Jesus that I personally understand or would give my service unto.

Not that I believe sacramental confession is a bad thing, not at all! If we have done wrong, the confessional brings us the mercy of God in the form of a loving brother/sister. Sometimes we need the face of another to bring us peace and absolution for the things we have done wrong. And we ALL do things wrong. But to suggest that we, as Beloved Children of God, could ever make an enemy of God, just doesn’t ring true in the light of Christ.

At least not to me.

God love you!

Reclaiming "Christian"

I have issues with the word “Christian”.

It is a loaded word, worn like a crown by evangelicals and fundamentalists. It’s used as almost a caste system identifier by the aforementioned groups. Here in the US, Christianity is synonymous (particularly to minority groups) with nationalism, homophobia, racism, antisemitism, islamophobia, sexism, and proud anti-intellectualism. Christianity is a weapon, and carefully hewn chapters and verses out of its Bible and creed are its ammunition.

Love the sinner, hate the sin.

Your lifestyle is an abomination.

I will pray for you.

If you are not saved, you are damned to the eternal lake of fire.

Christianity has become a loathsome parody of itself. Because a portion of its vitriol (love?) had been leveled at the Catholic Church over the years – Catholics are not considered Christians by some sects- I always felt secure in my parish and beliefs that I did not fall into the caste system.

After leaving the Roman Church I accepted an uncomfortable truth.

Many Catholics are just as vitriolic as evangelicals on many topics, particular LGBTQ+ and sexism. The Knights of Columbus (of which I was a member years ago) has lobbied with evangelicals and in many cases provided the lion’s share of financing efforts to deny LGBTQ+ folks the right to legally marry. Believing Catholics are just as “family values” oriented as the most conservative evangelical groups. “Family values” being code for intolerant homophobic families where the women know their place.

But what is a “Christian”, really?

A Christian is a follower of the teachings of Christ. Simple. 

What did Christ teach? What was His message?

His message was to love. 

“Love the Lord with all of your heart and with all of your soul and with all of your mind. This is the greatest commandment. The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself” – Matthew 22:38-39

Love God. Love your neighbor. Love yourself. There are no qualifiers, no worthiness test for this love, no loving this neighbor but not that neighbor. We are to love. Jesus loved radically, giving his life for his friends.

In His Resurrection, Jesus "forever ruptured everything that human beings understand about life and death." *

Perhaps it is time that the word Christian is reclaimed by the followers of Christ who follow his radical teaching to Love… without qualifiers. Christians who don’t stop to wonder is a person deserves or is worthy of love.

Because we all are.

I am a Christian.

Still going to take some getting used to…

* quoted from QUEER VIRTUE by Reverend Elizabeth M. Edman, paraphrasing Right Reverend Jeffrey D. Lee

Knowing what God wants of me.

That's a scary feeling. It's certainly scary thing to write.  Without going into much detail, the table is set before me. I am to serve. I am to comfort. I am to walk with those who feel broken. And anyone else who comes along; I no longer have the luxury of choosing whom to serve. 

Lord God, I am Your priest, Your hands in the world. Let me do nothing apart from Your will. 

Love,

Thomas