Cleaning House

I am always reflective spending time in my mom's house as we get closer to the first anniversary of her death. We are cleaning it out to prepare it for sale, and it is something both my sister and I have been avoiding. That aside for a moment, the house doesn't feel like "mom's" anymore. A lot of the things in the house from my childhood seem to have lost their juju - old albums & videotapes, ancient stuffed animals, holiday decorations that used to be magical to me. Since Mom has died & the house is no longer occupied, she may have taken the magic with her. And maybe it is good thing if it's so.

My parents were good parents & brought up my sister & I the best way they knew how. However, as I have found out in my own journey through fatherhood, sometimes our best ain't all that great. We lose patience & say things we shouldn't, we find easier softer ways to do things instead of the right way. We see issues with our children that we don't wish to face and so maybe we pretend we don't see it at first. I know this describes me on more than once occasion with my own kids.  But that's another writing altogether.

That house that held childhood joy still holds child-to-adulthood demons; some of which I have not yet exorcised and may never do so. My addiction. My abuse. And more. This may be a time of healing and cleansing for both me and my sister. Divine Spirit watch over us as we do the work of making mom's house into just a house. Give us the strength to show any of our remaining nightmares & dreamscapes to the door.

I don't want her to be gone. But she is. Happy early heavenly anniversary, Mommy! 💔

Daily Mass Readings
Deuteronomy 34:1-12
Psalm 66:1-3a, 5 and 8, 16-17
Matthew 18:15-20

On Guardian Angels

 

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones,

for I say to you that their angels in heaven

always look upon the face of my heavenly Father." - Matthew 18:10

Even as a child, I never paid much attention to Guardian Angels. Though I was always the "CCD Nerd" in grammar school, I was too enamored of Jesus & Mary (still am, it turns out) to pay much attention to the concept of angels in general. To me, they were simply "saints with wings". I didn't get the idea that they weren't human. They were just some of the guys in heaven that were supposed to help us pray. I was absolutely convinced I would get a pair of wings when I stepped through the Gates of Heaven, which I would proudly exclaim whenever the concept would come in in CCD. And having my own personal Angel assigned to me to watch over me? Seemed like a good idea but I never gave it much thought.

Looking back now, it feels different.

There were so very many times when I turned from doing something that I would understand at a much later date to be a very bad idea. Many of us call that intuition, a gut feeling, a conscience. And most times, I would tend to agree. Speaking for myself, my intuition is generally "in my voice". I hear my voice in my head, urging me toward or away from some action - followed by an explanation why. My intuition and I would have a little discussion in my head and I would decide based on who "won".

But what about those times when the voice simply doesn't feel like it comes from me or is "of me"? When it comes out of left field & presents me with a choice or even a command? When the voice doesn't sound like me and never welcomes a discussion like my Tom-Intuition.

A short condensed version of a much longer story is this; At the end of my active alcoholism - literally in the middle of a gulp from an ancient bottle of a no-name coffee liqueur - I heard a distinctive voice in my head. Gentle yet firm & full of power, A still-small voice:

"Thomas, you've got to stop this. And you've got to stop this NOW."

That was all. No argument, no discussion; ALMOST like an order but it was still entirely up to me, somehow.  Tom-Intuition NEVER called me Thomas. And Tom-Intuition sounded like me. This voice was...something else. Instead of discussion I found Tom-Intuition asking about the voice: Was that God, directly? No certainly not. Why would God involve Themselves with me? This seemed more familiar, more personal. It felt like it was OF God, because it was full of Love and Hope, though the decision was Life & Death. It was almost like God was understanding that at that moment I didn't feel myself worthy for a direct conversation. So They sent... something else.

I put the bottle down. I spit out what was in my mouth. I dialed the Alcoholics Anonymous 24-hour hotline. And I haven't had a drink since that early morning of August 30, 2001.

I never went off on a deep theological/psychological examination of this incident, and I am not going to do it now except to say this: It is my understanding that on the day in question, something of God came to me at a crucial juncture. It is my belief that had I chosen to ignore that voice at that time, I would not be here typing this. My wife would be a widow & my 2 children would have grown up without knowing their father, past toddler-infant images & feelings.

I believe that was my Guardian Angel. With me since infancy to be called into action whenever I would have trouble or fear or even too much anger or pride reaching out to God. Whenever real trouble was afoot. Whenever the prayers just wouldn't come. I don't know my Angel's name; from what I have read on the subject, Guardian Angels are not to be named by their charges. But it a most intimate, enveloping & lifelong relationship. And thank God for mine.

The Guardian Angel Prayer:

Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide.

Amen.

Daily Mass Readings
Deuteronomy 31:1-8
Deuteronomy 32:3-4ab, 7, 8, 9 and 12
Matthew 18:1-5, 10, 12-14 

Sometimes we need reminders

Regardless of the weight I have lost and the exercise I have done, I need to remember my limits; I have a 56 year old body that has been in very poor shaped for decades. It has limits. And while renewed strength expands those limits, the limits remain.

So for the first time since beginning my conscious health journey I am laid up with a pinched nerve, back spasms and screeching pain I haven't felt in years. It is a good reminder, despite the pain. 

Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and be no longer stiff-necked. - Deuteronomy 10

The first reading made me laugh this morning!

Memorial of Saint Clare, Virgin
Daily Mass Readings
Deuteronomy 10:12-22
Psalm 147:12-13, 14-15, 19-20
Matthew 17:22-27

Morning offering

 An offering of coffee,
Of sunlight & sweat.
Let the breath of the ages fill my lungs to capacity.
Let me breathe out the venom of mind & body.
My back is strong, my flesh willing,
To do the work of the Day.
Let this work be fruitful.
Let my soul be joyful at its fruits.
I will lift what others cannot.
I will embrace what others cannot.
You have put Fire in my heart,
Let it burn with the heat of a thousand suns.

Because You are ever with us.

And so it is.

Memorial of Saint Dominic, Priest
Daily Mass Readings
Deuteronomy 4:32-40
Psalm 77:12-13, 14-15, 16 and 21
Matthew 16:24-28

ODD Catholic priest

Another likely "false start" by a priest suffering from chronic Imposter Syndrome. Maybe something is different this time. Maybe not. I think perhaps I have stopped writing this thing to be read. I am so concerned about appearances, how I will be seen by others. Like they say in the rooms, however, "What other people think about me is none of my business." The Independent Catholic Church I was serving has pretty much gone under; we had no physical home & the only people showing up for remote Mass was clergy. I have been pretty much thriving at Gathering of Light as an interspiritual minister & assistant dean. 

But as much as I would like to simply dismiss it (and Lord knows I have tried to do this for decades), I am Catholic. I am certainly an ODD Catholic. A Folk Catholic. A Catholic Witch even. But Catholic is the commonality and for the sake of sanity, I think it is time that I acknowledged that it's simply the language of my spirituality. So Let us see where this goes THIS time. 

There's a freedom knowing I don't have readers anymore - makes it easier!

Daily Mass Readings

Numbers 20:1-13
Psalm 95: 1-2,6-7,8-9
Matthew 16:13-23

Big "E" Evil

That's what I want to fight. And that is eventually what will consume me, I guess. Because I have looked into the abyss and the abyss is me. I have made a friend of the Devil as the Grateful Dead song goes. I want lofty battles for the soul of the world. It's all ego I know... but God help me it is what I want!!!!! To be an agent in the House of Evil, to gain Its trust. And then to slay it. 

Will I drown as the Evil washes over me? 

Will my weak soul be mocked and annihilated as it gets exposed by Evil?

We see in all the movies what happens to the priest like me. Maybe this kind of self destruction/self-sacrifice is what I crave. Maybe it is all the price I pay for being an imposter priest. Maybe I have been tricked and am already an emissary of Evil - leading others to think I am a Man of God when my base emotion and darker night of the soul rules me.

I embrace my ruin. My redemption.

NOW what???

 So now I have all the pieces in place for the life I SAID I wanted; I quit my toxic banking job, we are getting by financially, and I have 2 ministries ripe for the taking and the opportunity to go back to school.

I left my job 2 months ago and here I sit. Terrified of the next step. Or is it laziness? Or is it both terror AND laziness. 

Everyone has been extremely patient and loving with me as I navigate post 9-5 life. 

I worry that I am "hiding out" in my spirituality rather than practicing it. SO much to do, but not a dink of an idea how do go about it. Lead me Lord.