Easter Sunday feels like crap this year...

 Nothing profound to wrote today. 

I feel old. Fat. Disabled. And well past my expiration date.

This is Easter Sunday and the Lenten Darkness is supposed to have dissipated, but for me it hasn't. I remain pulled into my world and myself. I am stuck at home because my wife has covid and I did not get the booster; quarantining from work until Thursday at the order of HR. At the busiest week of the quarter. I have to spend tomorrow
morning trying to get IT on the phone for the VPN hookup. Good luck with that,

My partner continues to convalesce from her heart surgery. I can barely move from here to there without exhaustion. My body hurts head to toe. Eating myself to death. How I am staying sober is beyond me, though I have been going to meetings at every opportunity. I feel depressed, isolated, with the sinking suspicion that this is how I am supposed to be feeling. Existing instead of living. Stuck with no desire or way to move beyond it.

I missed Holy Thursday and Good Friday services; one because of work, the other because of technical difficulties with the remote hookup. I zoomed the Easter Vigil and it was impossible to hear the homily. 

I really don't feel like an Easter person, how a priest is "should" be feeling. It feels like I am stuck waster deep in swamp mud. And I don't like it much at all,

Pacifist? Or coward?

 

As a Franciscan, I often claim the mantel of “pacifist” as part of the package. And I am wondering if that is simply a convenient euphemism for “scared to fight”. I am thinking back throughout my whole life; grade school, high school, college, and adulthood. I have gotten into relatively few fights. Which is not to say I haven’t been beaten up; that was the result on most occasions where actual physical violence wound up taking place.

There was one time in grade school where I saw red during a fight; the other boy was choking at me (I mean REALLY choking me) and I went full-out hulk on him when I got free. I think that incident frightened me; I don’t remember the fight after that. He was choking me, I couldn’t breathe, and I felt my soul ROAR in anger. The next thing I knew the kid was on the ground, begging me to stop.

All other times, I either backed away, ran away, or endured subtle or not-so-subtle bullying for whatever period of time I had to endure it.

My tendency, even in simple verbal arguments, is to attempt to see the other’s point of view, even to the extent of conceding the point, in order to avoid confrontation. I am afraid of violence, real or perceived. I am afraid of pain, both the receiving and the taking. 

Does this make me smart, in the spirit of self-preservation? Or does this make me a coward, unwilling to take a stand on what I believe in to avoid temporary discomfort? Or is it both?

I don’t know. But I ought to examine this in more detail

Right here, right now

Sometimes I just do not want to write, where I have no insightful theology and flowery words with awesome implications Today/this week/this Lent has been one of those times. I find myself exhausted, stripped bare. I do not have the energy for any pretensions anymore. And maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that is what Lent is truly about. I have found myself doing instead of sitting. Serving instead of saying. Acting in concert with prayer instead of praying because that’s what a priest is “supposed” to do.

The Divine wants me stripped bare. Without pretension. Without bells and whistles. Praying because I am moved to pray, not to check a box. Serving others because that is what a human does for their fellow humans, not because of a vague fear of eternal punishment.

Right here. Right now. As much as I loathe that song by Jesus Jones, that's what's echoing in my ears...

There is no other place I want to be.

Spouse of Christ & the Holy Spirit

Ok I need to examine this about myself. 

I seem to have some sort of obsession with habited nuns. No it’s not a fetish or anything; it’s more of a fascination. When I see who they are and what their life is, I WANT that life. They are mystically wed to Jesus Christ. He is their husband and spouse. That kind of love that keeps them enraptured in front of the Blessed Sacrament. the Sisters of Life, the Discalced Carmelite nuns move me so deeply, I listened to a podcast after dropping off James last Friday, and I didn’t want the drive to end because I was enthralled with “Bride of Christ”. Now as a priest, the Church is technically my “bride”. But is it really the same? I believe the Holy Spirit as feminine…is SHE my bride? This mystical marriage thing fascinates me.

Ending Sabbatical

I have been on formal sabbatical from my priesthood since September of last year. And it is finally time to come home.

I felt so much stress from so many areas; work, my mom’s health, my familial relationships, the continuing pandemic, dropping out of chaplaincy courses, my own personal feelings of unworthiness toward my ministerial vocation. One day where I was feeling particularly desperate (a very poor state in which to be making major decisions), I simply texted my bishop, told him my troubles, and asked for sabbatical status. I think it took him by surprise, but honoring my decision, he gave the go-ahead. My family was as surprised as the church.

I entered a time of relative isolation, made easier by the pandemic to be sure and punctuated by my time quarantining with Covid.

I spoke to God.

I spoke to my ancestors.

I cried – a lot.

Finally, mindlessly scrolling through Twitter (ugh I wish I could remember the account) I saw a quote that made me sit up in bed and take notice. I had seen other quotes – hell, hundreds – like it. But this tweet and this particular time snapped me out of my slumber:

“One does not need to be worthy. One only needs to be willing.”

OK. That is something I could build on.

Whether I am a priest or a minister or whatever I am calling myself this week, I can be willing to go where I am led. I know God’s voice in contrast to my own. My feelings of vocational unworthiness can be ignored if I trust in where I am being led and by whom. And I do.

Calling up my bishop and telling him my good news was a bit humbling as well; he directed me to contact each of our church’s clergy and discuss my sabbatical and my experiences with them. While I was wondering why, he read my mind and said, “We are church, Tom. We are community. We get through our joys and trials together. Depend on us, just as we will depend on you.”

Community. Church. Together.

I am in the midst of said calls, and my fellow clergy have been nothing but loving, supportive and welcoming. So much so that I am forced to wonder if wrestling with my angels alone during sabbatical would have even been necessary had I bothered to ”tag” one of our community into the Battle Royale of religious life!

I love the Latin Mass ... and it needs to go

I love the Latin Mass. And it’s better for the Roman Catholic Church that it goes away.

Coming from a non-Roman Catholic priest, this opinion does not really carry much weight, I get that. But after reading through Pope Francis’s Traditionis Custodes which limits the celebration of the Tridentine Mass in the Roman church and his reasoning for it, I thought I would share a few thoughts anyway.

As the blog title suggests, I LOVE the Latin Mass. I have only attended one in my life, but it simply knocked me down with the beauty and reverence. The profound recognition of what was being celebrated and why. The Latin, while I did not understand it, added a mystical quality to the celebration that one seldom finds during Mass in the vernacular. Receiving Communion on the tongue whilst kneeling at the altar rail, a paten under my chin “lest He strike His foot against a stone”, was nothing short of moving.

With all of that said; somehow, some way, the major advocates of the Latin Mass are some of the cruelest, most exclusionary people I have ever had the misfortune to meet, read, and listen to. When Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI liberalized the use of the Latin Mass in Ecclesia Dei and Summorum Pontificum respectively, the idea was to bring the Body of Christ closer together by “giving the people what they want”. Those preferring the vernacular would continue to do so, and those attached to the Latin Mass would have the opportunity to celebrate Mass in their preferred fashion as well.

That’s not what happened unfortunately. The Latin Mass advocates have sneered at the vast majority of the Church celebratingMass in the vernacular/Ordinary form as being nothing more than Protestant. Ironically they protest louder and louder about the invalidity of the Second Vatican Council, emboldened by their newfound freedom. They, lay and clergy alike, wall themselves off in rapidly multiplying Latin Mass societies and began/continued celebrating the old rite exclusively rather than in tandem with the Ordinary Form. Many who had been critical of the Vatican in the past are now louder and openly hostile to it, especially after the less liturgically/more pastorally minded Francis was elected Pope. The traditionalists find more common ground with schismatic groups like The Society of St. Pius X than with the Vatican. 

It simply had the opposite of the intended effect. Instead of closing the gaps, they have widened into chasms.

The backlash from Traditionis Custodes has been harsh from those you’d expect (Cardinal Raymond Burke, Church Militant, Una Voce, etc.). The true fallout remains to be seen.

I will be sad to see the Latin Mass fade away; it is indeed beautiful liturgy. But beauty is not a good enough reason to sustain it. The Church is fractured enough without the Vatican giving further ammunition to those who prefer to isolate and treat others with arrogance and contempt. Instead of embracing others with love.

What are my truths?

 It is about time I cleared several things up about myself, and as a reminder to myself. Here are 10 truths:

1-      My name is Thomas. I am Beloved of God, before all else.

2-      I am a Father of 2 grown men, whom I love dearly and I believed that love is reciprocated. They have taught me more about being a man than I could ever have imagined.

3-      I am a Husband to 2 beautiful women who are the air in my lungs and the beat of my heart. I would gladly give my life for either.

4-      I am a Christian Priest. I serve an Independent Catholic Community and I strive to serve my God as such.

5-      I am an ordained interfaith minister, finding the Divine in all people and all things.

6-      I love to walk with people in their spiritual journeys; it is an absolute joy and thrill for me!

7-      I am an alcoholic and addict in recovery. I cannot use mind altering substances (beyond caffeine) in a safe manner.

8-      I have suffered with MDD (major depressive disorder) and other mental issues for most of my life; each day is a challenge.

9-      I identify as part of the fabled Alphabet Mafia; I fall under “Q” for “Queer/Questioning”.

10-   I struggle with the same apparent contradictions that you see as you read this list.

I’m not sure but I do not believe I have ever put ALL of these things together in one writing. But anyhoo; these are all major facets of who I am. Thank you for coming to my TOM Talk ;)