A bit nervous but that's not a bad thing...

 A friend of mine from seminary is going to list me as an affiliate on her ministry website this week My old fears and lack of self confidence welled in me when she asked for my bio information. 

"Who the hell are YOU to present yourself as a minster of ANYTHING? Keep your head down, and let everything pass you by. Your prime and your best years lay behind you."

But that's not true. I was ordained for a purpose. And NO, I am totally NOT qualified to minister, but I got called to do so anyway. People I admire are motivating me and urging me on. I have a wedding I have bene asked to officiate and and talking to another couple about performing a collaring. They say in AA that you can find a life "beyond your wildest dreams". Not since I was a child did I ever consider the possibility of presiding at a wedding.  You'd think these thoughts would have come up during seminary and ordination. They honestly did not. I really could not imagine anyone ever actually seeking me out to be of service. The reality of being ordained has just hit me like a ton of bricks today.

In an extraordinarily good way.

Daily Mass Readings
Job 1:6-22
Psalm 17:1BCD, 2-3, 6-7
Luke 9:46-50

Another birthday come and gone...

It was a good weekend. People remembered I prefer pie to cake (I got me a coconut custard at work and an apple from my family!) My son cooked me a steak dinner on Friday, which was delish.  We watched Hamilton outdoors with a bonfire and burgers. And I got to Mass with my community.

There are worse ways to turn 52 I guess...

About today's Gospel; Jesus calling out those who talk the talk instead of walk the walk is a bit of a wake up call. Thank you, Brother.

Daily Mass Readings
Ezekiel 18:25-28
Psalm 25:4-5, 6-7, 8-9
Philippians 2:1-11 or 2:1-5
Matthew 21:28-32

There is always hope...

The blackness and deepness of that hole can feel all consuming, I know. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels like it will ever feel good again. No matter how many are around you, the isolation is solid steel. Immovable and unbreakable. They say they love you and they need you, and they may even think that they do. But they're WRONG. "Who in their right mind would spend their love on someone like me? THEY'RE the  crazy ones..." you mind convinces. The urge to cry has long since passed; it simply takes too much energy. You don't even remember what laughing is like. 

There's nothing but that mass of numbing pulsating pain. It's never going to be all right, no matter what they say. Better not to feel. At all. Better to just slip away.

*********************************************************

Even though it doesn't feel like it today, there is hope. I promise you there's hope. One more day. One more hour/minute/second. Maybe we all ARE crazy like you think. But you are wanted. And needed. And LOVED beyond measure. Please stick around. Humor the crazy folks, willya?

St. Jude and Our Lady of Sorrows, Pray for us.

Daily Mass Readings
Ecclesiastes 1:2-11
Psalm 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14, 17
Luke 9:7-9

Not much to say tonight.

 I am tired, My coworker's last day was today. The coming presidential election looks like more of a shit show every single day. Did not get all my steps in.

But I did get my meditation in albeit short. I visited mom and served my family. Now I am writing though there isn't much to say. And after I finish here, I am going to a zoom AA meeting. I can't seem to write without complaining just a little. But I am making a concerted effort to get some positives in there as well. T'aint easy. But I am trying anyway.

A sabbatical from most social media (excluding this blog because writing is good for me) seems like a wise thing to do; the energy is detrimental to me and doesn't do me nor anyone with whom I interact any good. There are so many other things I could be doing; reading, writing, ministering, working on my recovery. One of the last straws today was seeing my twitter followers decrease by 4 overnight. And me actually attaching value to that.  It isn't a good measure for me. This is feeling more and more like a good idea.

Let's see if this is just a whim or not.

Memorial of Saint Pius of Pietrelcina, Priest
Daily Mass Readings
Galatians 2:19-20
Psalm 127:1-5
Matthew 16:24-27

Manic Monday

Back to a, shall we say, challenging work environment, a sick doggo, and the world is falling apart at the seams. 

But...

• I got my daily readings and prayer done this morning.  
• I said my piece and stood up for myself in my performance appraisal follow-up
• Lunchtime found me walking again and taking pictures
• I made a recovery meeting this evening.

Sure there's more I could have done today.  I am choosing to focus on this.  God will never bring me a day that I won't be able to get through.  More than anything, I am choosing to be grateful for the day.  There's an awful lot I could get down about, and believe me it is difficult to fight against it.  I am winning right now, and that will have to be enough.

Feast of St. Matthew
Daily Mass Readings
Ephesians 4:1-7, 11-13
Psalm 19:2-3, 4-5
Matthew 9:9-13

Political news

 The doom and gloom, the drama. One son seems to be planning for civil war, the other is so upset by the idea that we don't talk much about current events around him.  Not that I rerally can blame him; I have been tempted to stick my fingers in my ears and start yelling LALALALALALALA!!! myself these past few days.

The death of RBG and the immediate call by the Republicans to fill her vacancy, the administration's plans to put forward "patriotic education" and discontinue funding for those schools that refuse to adopt it, hitting the 200,000th American Covid-19 death, and so on, ad nauseam. There is a lot to be upset about in this country.

What can I do?

Stay sober. Be the prayer. Remain spiritually and emotionally fit for myself so it is possible for me to be there for others. Do I have answers? To most of the troubling issues that assault us every day, no I most certainly do not. I can offer help. Understanding. And maybe most importantly, convey HOPE. It feels overwhelming to me.  But God led me down this path over all these decades for a reason. 

Daily Mass Readings
Isaiah 55:6-9
Psalm 145:2-3, 8-9, 17-18
Philippians 1:20-24, 27
Matthew 20:1-16

Reading through some old diaries today...

One thing for sure, I was a far more prolific (and better) writer 20-odd years ago.  Writing muscles atrophy too, I guess.

It's funny that I concerned myself over the same things then as I do now; my personal spirituality and how I relate to God. I mean, you could put a journal entry from back then on this blog today and no one would know; me struggling with being a heretical Catholic with strong Pagan tendencies.  

Why don't I/can't I move forward?

I think it is because I am waiting for personal revelation instead of  putting myself out in the world.  My experiences with the Divine have very rarely come during private formal prayer or study.  They have come when I have least expected it; during a boring Mass, desperate spontaneous prayer during an alcoholic binge that brought me to recovery, and most recently counseling a spiritual-not-religious younger couple on their wedding which I will be officiating.  I was not prepared for the encounter with God in any of these instances. But there God was anyway, waiting for me to get it, waiting for me to see that He cannot be gleaned from a book, that She cannot be contained by rote prayer.  Learning about God and prayer to and with God are good things, don't get me wrong.  But putting prayer into action, BEING prayer, is the only way that prayer works.  At least for me. I am simply not meant to be a contemplative alone. 

So it turns out I remain a Christopagan.  I simply need to get off my ass and be the change I want to see.  That means writing. That means reaching out. That means doing. That means action. 

Daily Mass Readings
1 Corinthians 15:12-20
Psalm 17:1, 6-7, 8, 15
Luke 8:1-3