"See that you do not despise one of these little ones,
for I say to you that their angels in heaven
always look upon the face of my heavenly Father." - Matthew 18:10
Even as a child, I never paid much attention to Guardian Angels. Though I was always the "CCD Nerd" in grammar school, I was too enamored of Jesus & Mary (still am, it turns out) to pay much attention to the concept of angels in general. To me, they were simply "saints with wings". I didn't get the idea that they weren't human. They were just some of the guys in heaven that were supposed to help us pray. I was absolutely convinced I would get a pair of wings when I stepped through the Gates of Heaven, which I would proudly exclaim whenever the concept would come in in CCD. And having my own personal Angel assigned to me to watch over me? Seemed like a good idea but I never gave it much thought.
Looking back now, it feels different.
There were so very many times when I turned from doing something that I would understand at a much later date to be a very bad idea. Many of us call that intuition, a gut feeling, a conscience. And most times, I would tend to agree. Speaking for myself, my intuition is generally "in my voice". I hear my voice in my head, urging me toward or away from some action - followed by an explanation why. My intuition and I would have a little discussion in my head and I would decide based on who "won".
But what about those times when the voice simply doesn't feel like it comes from me or is "of me"? When it comes out of left field & presents me with a choice or even a command? When the voice doesn't sound like me and never welcomes a discussion like my Tom-Intuition.
A short condensed version of a much longer story is this; At the end of my active alcoholism - literally in the middle of a gulp from an ancient bottle of a no-name coffee liqueur - I heard a distinctive voice in my head. Gentle yet firm & full of power, A still-small voice:
"Thomas, you've got to stop this. And you've got to stop this NOW."
That was all. No argument, no discussion; ALMOST like an order but it was still entirely up to me, somehow. Tom-Intuition NEVER called me Thomas. And Tom-Intuition sounded like me. This voice was...something else. Instead of discussion I found Tom-Intuition asking about the voice: Was that God, directly? No certainly not. Why would God involve Themselves with me? This seemed more familiar, more personal. It felt like it was OF God, because it was full of Love and Hope, though the decision was Life & Death. It was almost like God was understanding that at that moment I didn't feel myself worthy for a direct conversation. So They sent... something else.
I put the bottle down. I spit out what was in my mouth. I dialed the Alcoholics Anonymous 24-hour hotline. And I haven't had a drink since that early morning of August 30, 2001.
I never went off on a deep theological/psychological examination of this incident, and I am not going to do it now except to say this: It is my understanding that on the day in question, something of God came to me at a crucial juncture. It is my belief that had I chosen to ignore that voice at that time, I would not be here typing this. My wife would be a widow & my 2 children would have grown up without knowing their father, past toddler-infant images & feelings.
I believe that was my Guardian Angel. With me since infancy to be called into action whenever I would have trouble or fear or even too much anger or pride reaching out to God. Whenever real trouble was afoot. Whenever the prayers just wouldn't come. I don't know my Angel's name; from what I have read on the subject, Guardian Angels are not to be named by their charges. But it a most intimate, enveloping & lifelong relationship. And thank God for mine.
The Guardian Angel Prayer:
Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide.
Amen.
Daily Mass Readings
Deuteronomy 31:1-8
Deuteronomy 32:3-4ab, 7, 8, 9 and 12
Matthew 18:1-5, 10, 12-14
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