“You’re a priest now. That also means you’re a target as well.”
Father Chuck said those words to me last year when I was discerning the priesthood. Looking at my past few private journal entries & how I’ve been feeling, I think he understands all too well where my soul is right now. I see now that demons and devils are real. Not little red guys with horns and hooves, not Pazuzu from The Exorcist. If I believe in benevolent spirits like angels (I do), then it is naïve to discount the possibility of malevolent spirits. Even though I have questions and doubts, I believe the best course of action is to “act as if”. Talk to my angels. Defend against the demons. I feel somewhat like Father Callahan from Salem’s Lot, wanting a BIG confrontation against “big E” Evil. But it is the little battles against the imps of our fallen nature that constitute true spiritual warfare. I am fallen, I am broken, & I am in recovery from addiction. These devils are born of my doubt; from my pride, from my belief that when all things are done, I am not good enough to be a priest because of my brokenness, because of my imperfections, because of my addictions, because I am not able to dedicate 100% of my life to priestly service.
I presided over my first same-sex wedding yesterday; if my ordination in an independent Catholic community didn’t already excommunicate me in the Roman church, this most certainly did.
The demons whisper “How does it feel to be cut off from God, charlatan shaman?”
And for a moment, I almost despair.
Then I answer, “I wouldn’t know about that. Why don’t you tell me?”
And the silence is deafening.
So yes, I am a priest. And I am a target. And that simply is part of the job.
Amen
ReplyDelete