Meh-rry Christmas

Just realizing that it may not be a very Merry Christmas in my circles. Every year, I set myself up for a Holiday letdown; I want the house decorated as early as possible after Thanksgiving, want the perfect gifts for everyone, spread holiday cheer, care for the needy, and go to Midnight Mass like a good little priest. And here we are 10 days out; I am depressed, I am hurting and I am not feeling it at all. Talking with my wife last night, I mulled over the idea than Christmas hasn’t actually been “merry” for me for a very long time. It is always hung up in “who’s going to whose house” the mad rush to get decorations up that will be taken down in a few weeks’ time, and of course, trying to pretend that I am not thinking of drinking.

I remember loving Christmas SO much as a child and young adult. And what I loved about it was booze, from the time I was 14 or so until sobriety. Getting drunk in the days leading up to the big day and decorating the basement. Getting drunk at various parties and bars. Getting EXTREMELY drunk on Christmas day starting with spiking my coffee with Bailys. Then sneaking beer on the pretense of doing laundry until the relatives arrived. FINALLY able to drink freely for a while, because everyone else was.

Then gulping wine at dinner. Forgetting the rest of the night.

I wanted oblivion. Christmas was just window dressing for this alcoholic.

Don’t get me wrong. Things are different now of course. I have a much expanded family, new traditions, new ideas, my ministry and 20 years have passed since my last drink. But the phantom remains and it is hurting me this year.

I think the best thing to do, the best present I can give myself is to grant permission to not necessarily have a “Merry Christmas” for once.

I read a blurb on twitter where a therapist says to his patients:

“May you have a gentle holiday.”

I can do that, I think. I can have a gentle holiday this year.