Act as if ye have faith...

They say in AA “fake it till you make it”. I have done my share of faking it over the decades, and have put together a lot of time not drinking and drugging.

So what about that second part? Why don’t I feel like I have ever really “made it”?

That’s actually pretty easy to answer come to think of it. If I am being honest.

I have seldom done any real step work, either on my own or with a sponsor. If ever I experience discomfort from people drinking around me, I will go to maybe two thirds of an online meeting. Then nothing else. It never seems to “take”. Inwardly I say “AA was good in the beginning, but I’m beyond those slogans and stuff now. I need a REAL program with REAL recovery.”  So then I’m off to read a couple of chapters in Recovery Dharma or Refuge Recovery. Attend two thirds of one of THEIR meetings. And smugly feel that I am above ALL of it. Still 20 years off of booze and going on 4 years off pills

It leads me to wonder then – why so glum all the time, sir? Why does the urge to use, and more importantly, how to handle that urge, still haunt you on the daily?

Whatever brand of recovery I use, I haven’t worked the basics. I mean the brass tacks basics of AA or any abstinence-based program is “don’t drink and go to meetings”. I have that 1^st part down but let’s face it; if I think I am “above”, or “beyond” meetings, I haven’t really given the program, any of them, a chance. Even when I was going to meetings, I felt superior to them and everyone there. Only thought about leaving once I got there. I have never really given the programs a chance and I didn’t give new friendships with anyone in program a chance.

It is a “WE” program, they say. That I have made all about me. This isn’t to beat myself up, I’m being very careful to be kind with myself, both in writing and self-talk. This is simply the truth. 

No pronouncements here, because in the continued spirit of being honest, my pronouncements don't carry much weight. Maybe I will just muse that it is time to actually try and work for a more happy, joyous, free life.  Maybe it is time to try SOBRIETY as opposed to simple abstinence. 

Maybe it's time.